Memory Lane.

One of my oldest friends Jessica and I wrote this about four years ago. I just came across it again today, and figured I'd post it because I forgot how funny I think it is. Hopefully some of you will get a kick out of it... :)

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. I began to swat the flies in the spaceship, and I couldn't help but contemplate the idea that the earliest flyswatters were probably no more than some sort of striking surface attached to a long stick. Oddly, I noticed that the crows outside the spaceship seemed to be calling my name.

"Hey, Caw!" called my fellow astronaut, "You left Spot at home, right? Because if he sticks his head out of the spaceship on the way home his face might burn up."

"Yes, I left him with my uncle."

"Do you think he'll take good care of Spot?"

"He better..." I replied as I turned, whipped out my cell phone, and quickly dialed my uncle.

I held a burning fuse of dynamite up to the phone and said, "Hear that? That's dynamite, baby."

Suddenly, something screeched across the room and latched onto my partner's neck. As he attempted to remove it, I had to laugh, because I mean, what isthat thing?

All the necessary preparations had been made and we were ready for take off. Halfway to the moon, I began to reflect on pleasant times I had previously experienced.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Once I robbed a bank and my pants fell down. I laughed, and let the hostages laugh as well, because come on, life is funny.

There was a time when I decided to play a prank on the police investigating a plane crash. I snuck onto the scene, lay down in the crash stuff, and when a detective walked by, acted like I just woke up, and said, "What was THAT?!"

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

Upon thinking of these adventures, I came to realize that I had many interesting theories regarding life in general. For example...

If I lived back in the wild-west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

I believe one of the best tools anyone could have would be a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

It bothers some when others scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

A good piece of advice to give anyone would be: if you ever fall off of a tall building, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I was jolted back to the present when we landed on the surface of the moon. My partner and I spent a day collecting moon pieces and data. The next morning, I was struck with the notion that my partner had been turned into Dracula. When he went out for moon pieces that morning, wham!, I slammed the door behind him and blasted off. He called me on the radio and tried to tell me he wasn't Dracula, but I just said, "Think again, Batman."

Inspiration: Jack Handy.

Explanation: 4:00 in the morning.

Compiled By: Melissa and Jessica.